I have been thinking for too long on what I should say now, but a voice in my head keeps whispering to me: “who cares? Who on this earth amongst my few readers will check this website with burning fingers, waiting on what I, another white woman on the internet, has got to say about this?” I know, nobody will care about this post. But this is not about me, my statistic performance, or anything else that is related to me- this is about them. This is about the people who suffered for decades, who have been oppressed by political systems, so that white people can simply live their lives as they are used to, without a single care in their minds.
I know, as a white person, I will never know how racism feels like. No matter how hard I try to understand, I will never fully understand.
I encourage everyone who reads this, to educate yourself. To make the search for you a bit easier, I have put together a small list of resources.
Why I am no longer talking to people about race – Reni Eddo Lodge
Me and white supremacy- Layla F Saad
Girl, Woman, Other – Bernadine Evaristo
I know that it is not a lot- but if you try and have a little browse through the internet, you will come across a lot more. I recommend everyone who loves podcasts to listen to “The Daily” by the New York Times which explains thw whole situations and its happenings in a very well way.
I woke up this Friday morning, genuinely thinking it was Saturday. Maybe that is just a coping mechanism to justify my habit of being unable to get out of bed before nine am. However, no Amazon delivery today. Shocking, I know. The deliverer will hopefully turn up the day after with my essential delivery of clothing hangers.
Today was the day, I actually did some work and tried to understand the scratch disks of photoshop. Spoiler, I didn’t in the end.
I tried to download origin so I could relive my sims dreams, sadly it did not work. I might give it today another shot. Cause you should do what you really love. From my window, I can see my neighbour’s dog who is using its owner’s balcony as his new designated toilet, probably without letting his owner know of this. My other neighbours are playing animal crossing and living their best life whilst doing that.
I still haven’t quit my gym membership, some things in life just take time to end. Some things are harder than others. Maybe it is worth fighting for it.
I did a fancy-dress workout in my sports clothes, that is enough fancy dress for these days. I have rediscovered the mirror selfie with an actual camera, so hopefully I count as a full hipster in the universe of subcultures now. It really reminded me of my sixteen-year-old self, who identified herself as a Tumblr girl, spending all her precious free time on her very old laptop creating an aesthetic Tumblr. Today, I have forgotten the password of my account, but I still get daily newsletters by Tumblr, telling me which blogs are the shit now. I always have to stay informed, even though my last Tumblr presentence was about three years ago.
Finally stocked up my body’s hydration reservoir. Ate a Colin. Sad that I ate all of them. Will bravely go to the supermarket soon and stock up on them. You need to stockpile on the right ends.
Watched 17 again at night and kept thinking how I voluntarily isolated myself every day when I was 17. Sometimes, you are just too short to be the captain of the basketball team. Not everyone can be Zac Efron. The world also needs isolated Tumblr Girls, clearly born into the wrong decade. The really good news is that I actually did some work today and looked representable for a zoom call. This is what the home office life feels like. It is great.
Did my unit of daily exercise, full of anxiety in my body of coming too close to a human soul. The only outdoor walking path in my area seems to be the only appropriate place for everyone to do exercise. I went to the coop, initially to stock up on essential things like Colin cakes, but ended up buying caramel digestives and hummus. My local coop has pasta again, for the first time in weeks. I am not sure if I should be happy about that, or if this the actual sign from the universe that the end of the world is near. Also, no Colins left, which is a definite sign of the end.
I wanted to order a ten pack of Corona masks on Amazon, but it said that it can’t deliver to my address.
If I get the Corona, at least I know who to blame for it.
Still desperately waiting for all my very essential amazon deliveries.
As every more or less very cool blogger on the internet is doing an isolation online diary now, I decided to jump on this bandwagon. Today is day number eight. The weather is shit, seems like the yearly dose of sunshine is now officially used up and we are back to the normal climate. Our doorbell is broken. Again. I had to put a note with my mobile number on the door, so my one million amazon orders will find their way inside to the mailbox. During this period of isolation and lockdown, I have accomplished several life goals so far:
I can do the perfect poached egg.
I have a freezer full of food that is not only chocolate cake.
I have started doing home workouts, even though I look beyond ridiculous whilst doing it. Now I finally have a reason to officially end my gym membership. It’s been a wonderful three visits in the past, but both of us have to move on now. The gym will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe, one day I will be ready for you again.
I stopped burning my hair whilst cooking. (just after I said it, I burned another stain again. I should maybe sign up for an online seminar that will eventually teach me how to not burn my hair).
I have finally made use of my amazon prime membership. Which results in getting very angry texts from the amazon deliverer, standing in front of my door whilst I am outdoors (I know, dangerous) getting my daily unit of fresh air and exercise. Five miscalls and texts. Came back and saw him in front of my door. Got the parcel which is two new vinyls. Now I need for my vinyl player to arrive, we all know I love setting up new tech gear. Not.
Also, I have shifted my addiction from coffee to tea. Which is not necessarily the healthier option. I have now 6 cups of tea a day instead of like two cups of coffee.
I have just written another post on what to do during this lockdown period. The world wide web will be blessed with another guide by me. I bet it is already sick of it.
Started a new Netflix series, to make myself believe that I use my subscription for something else than friends or documentaries. Also, I have just greeted my amazon deliverer barefoot and he wore a mask. Some of us, like me are just not that well equipped. He looked very frightened when he saw me. We kept the two meters distance. My anti bugs spray has finally arrived. Realised that I ordered the wrong spray, the one for tropical animals and bugs. So, if we would have an invasion of tropical bugs during this time, at least I have stockpiled on the right end. Also, my outfit is a perfect example of getting dressed for no reason. I got changed immediately after the pictures. Can’t ruin my cheap fake silk skirt whilst painting.
I really wanted to go on my phone less, but social guidelines of the current situation advised me to download houseparty again, after I deleted it out of a panic mood. Now, I get notifications every five minutes about who entered the house.
Welcome to the ultimate guide to staying in, or just another article to keep you distracted from the mess outside on the world wide web. We all know this is very serious, even though it might not feel exactly like that right now. In the enormous amount of time (the thing that I usually lack), which this pandemic has gifted me, I created a lovely guide for everyone out there who might feel like they are going insane. Don’t worry. We all do. Apart from the normal stuff that the one million others already published guides say, like put clothes on etc, I have the ultimate survival guide from boredom for everyone here. And if you are still bored after trying out all my lovely tips, keep in mind that boredom is supposed to make you creative. At least, my mum used to say that. And now, folks, get a cup of tea and enjoy me being not as funny as I’d like to be.
DON’T TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Look. Be better than me. It is that simple. Just don’t do
what I do in this particular image, it is bad. Be a good person.
Tea solves almost all problems and the caffeine keeps you
awake!! Win Win!! No, seriously, drink something that calms your nerves down.
Staying in is the best that you can do in this situation.
CALL RELATIVES AND FRIENDS
Call your grandma, parents or whoever you haven’t spoken to
in ages. If you do it over facetime or zoom with all your friends and a pint in
your hand, it feels like you are in the pub. Just without the germs.
I love reading and I love books. I read a lot, so this situation gives me the opportunity to read all the books that I bought in a panic shopping tour in Waterstones. Yes, panic shopping for books is a thing of mine. However, if you want any suggestions from me, I highly recommend reading Sally Rooney books or classics like on the road from Jack Kerouac. It feels like you are on adventures when you are just sitting inside and protecting your health.
TRY TO BALANCE THE BOOKS ON YOUR HEAD
Definitely not a brilliant idea. Also, be better than me and
put the tea away before it all starts. It might be risky, but it can be fun. So,
follow your heart and your guts in this case.
LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR
Before you take the perfect selfie, from the perfect angle,
you need to look at yourself in the mirror. This is an essential task, can’t be
removed from your daily routine.
TALK TO YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR
Being quiet and social distanced can get really boring and
frustrating. If nobody answers the phone call, you still have one person to
talk to. Yourself. Be unapologetic. Be your truest self. If you do it whilst
looking in the mirror, it feels like you are talking to your secret twin!
TRY A NEW HAIRSTYLE
When you are like me and you wear the same hairstyle each and every day, you might feel bored of it now. A new hairstyle is a pure magic. It is like a breakup haircut; you feel like a brand-new person.
TALK TO YOUR PLANTS
If you feel bored of talking to your friends and family or yourself, don’t worry you can still talk to your half-dead plants which you have neglected for the last six months. They are still great non-judgemental listeners.
TRY A NEW DISH
As most of us don’t have any excuses for not cooking anymore, this is the time to work on your cooking skills. Be creative and see how quickly you can cook-off that massive mountain of pasta that you’ve stockpiled. My favourite sources for recipes are an app called “Yummily” and the New York times cooking blog.
If you hate cooking with a passion, order food. But most
importantly order local. You know the deal.
Take on that new creative hobby what you have been putting on hold for ages. In my case that would be stitching.
PAINT YOUR NAILS
Add some bright and mood-lifting colour to your nails, that might cheer you up. Don’t do it like me, in the middle of valuable books. And again, be better than me.
And whilst you read or do any of this, listen to this playlist
with loads of random favourite that I created for this occasion:
That’s it from my side for now. Don’t take most of it too seriously.
Take care of each other. Look after yourself. Stay healthy and calm. We’re all
in this together.
Oh, I hope you are well. Wherever you are. Whatever you do.
Whoever you are with. I do think about you sometimes, wondering what you are
doing, how the painted picture of your life looks now. We may have broken each
other’s hearts with juvenile mistakes, but I will never stop wishing you all
the best. And even if you wish that the devil will haunt me one day for what I
did to you that’s alright.
I wish you the truest happiness that you can find on this
planet. Wherever it is, chase it and catch it. Once you have it, it was worth
every step on the long way. Taste the magic in the first sip of your morning
tea. Feel the music as soon as you put on your vinyl player. Get lost. Find
yourself. Leave a mark. Whatever you do, wherever you are, whoever you are with,
Sometimes, I do wonder what for kind of person you are now.
The way you would dress. What music you would listen to. What your order in
your local coffee shop would be. If you still laugh the same way you did, or if
you still cringe to the same things as back in the day.
The way you live your life now. We only see each other’s
life’s through tiny screens now, without knowing who we are today. I am a
different person today, and I hope you are too.
Life took its various rollercoaster rides upon us, putting
everything into a different direction.
And sometimes, I also wonder if you ever think whatever kind
of person I am now. If you ever think of me in those midsummer drunken nights,
when everyone has left the party and you stand outside taking the last smoke of
your cigarette, whilst staring at a tiny screen in your hand.
That one day, last summer, I ran away. To a place where the memories couldn’t cut my sensitive heart. America, the concrete bubble of imaginations and hope. And, sometimes you need to get very lost in order to find yourself. And that one day marks the day I was over you. After streaming a million sad songs, drinking too much coffee and reading many novels, it was over. People do change you. They make you grow, and somehow every one of them leaves a mark on you. Whether that is visible or not.
Whatever happened, it is hard to put it into words, but still, I am grateful for it. Without it, I would certainly not be the person I would be today.
When I met you, the person who I am today, was somewhere deep inside me, waiting to be found. It was not until that summer when I was drunk at a festival in the middle of nowhere somewhere near Budapest when I realized that I am the only person on this planet who can create my identity. I grew up with the belief that I need someone to complete me, whether that was a partner, a friend or some other kind of person.
We are all masterpieces by ourselves, and it should be no
big news that we do not need anyone else to complete us. From whenever my memory
starts in my early childhood, I remember movies, where the female character is
saved and completed by someone else. I cannot name all the occasions in my life
where I was ashamed of my gender, or turned down opportunities, as it was
considered unusual for a girl.
All my early life I have believed in the fact, that my life
will be complete the one day I will walk down the aisle, giving my life in the
hands of someone else. The idea of being young and in love guided me throughout
my teenage years. All my ideologies that my juvenile mind believed in, were
based on the fact that my life might be a misery now, but as soon as I fall in
love, everything will be alright. Looking back, this is certainly not true.
This immature belief of mine, made its way constantly through my life, being
the guidance of my existence. It took me twenty-one years to learn and unlearn
the foundations where my society beliefs had been embedded on. Nobody tells you
that you a work of art, a masterpiece in yourself. And that’s why we should
start it now. Let’s merge our broken hearts and let them heal together.
Whoever you might be, dear stranger who might have been a
companion at some point, when I met you, I was not a writer. Yet. Deep inside,
I was always one. I was just too ashamed to let it out. Good things take time.
I really did my best to exist for everyone else, apart from myself. I am a
different person now. Decorated with colours, chains and metal. And that is
good. And I hope from the bottom of my heart that you, my dear are different
now as well.