quiestnina

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Pages from the diary

Hello,

Yes, it’s me again, who’d have thought. Unsurprisingly, in my life not a lot has happened, but the word, I mean, oh dear, things will never be the same again.

It feels wrong to continue writing jokingly about isolation life in this post, without even mentioning an aspect of the things that truly matter. This is by no means about me, this is about the future. With all of my heart, I do know, and I am sure that most of you do as well, that as the young generation owe the world better. Whatever the uncertain future holds, we have to continue fighting for what is right, even if it is not easy. I encourage everyone of you people out there, with eyes stuck to their devices, use the world which is in your pockets. Make use of the glorious gift of free education and resources, a lot of people in the past fought for this, so we have this privilege. Now it is our turn to make the world a better place.

Moving on, I bet that nobody of you asks themselves where I have been, as it is beyond clear: inside. I know, my jokes are not funny, even if I try hard. There has truly not been happening what you would consider as “a lot” or “exciting” recently in my life. Nevertheless, I thought I would never write this post, but here we go. Since we have been isolated since March, I stopped being Ubereats, Deliveroo’s, Foodora’s or Doordash’s best customer- yes, I had a high number of orders in every single one of them and now I actually cook decent meals by myself. This might sound very stupid for one or the other person, but I officially feel like an adult now. When I moved out of my parents’ home, I highly doubted that my culinary horizon would go further than avocado on toast or pesto pasta. But I mean, here we are, ready to write a cookbook. Maybe not a full cookbook yet, but we can all dream. At the end of the day, we can’t put our lives on hold for whatever, however longer this is gonna go on for. This might seem strange, but that one day, somewhere in the future, when we can finally delete zoom and experience human touch again, without a care in the world, will be a day that will separate our lives into a before and after. One of those crucial days, which marks a specific day that changes the course of the rest of our lives.

I don’t have a good or adequate connection word for this paragraph, so let’s just collectively imagine that there is one. In those pictures I am wearing a very bohemian looking dress, which was a not so impulse lockdown buy, a very old belt that I got gifted by my father when I was about fifteen years old, and my double platform doctor martens. I love how flowy the dress is, it sort of has a vibe of Stevie Nicks meets Florence Welch. The not so vintage belt crashes the romantic bohemian influence, with this old piece of leather tied around my waist. The doc martens are just the shoes that I wear every day, as believe it or not, even though I have a lot of clothes, I don’t have a lot of shoes. I don’t know, but they do go with everything, so it does feel like a personal note on every outfit I wear.

Whatever the future might hold for us in those chaotic times, it will be good. If this period has taught us anything apart from making Banana Bread or Sourdough, it is that we considered as “normal” never worked and will never work again.

DRESS: TOPSHOP, BELT: OLD, SHOES: DR MARTENS

We are the creators of this new reality, let’s make this one a good one.

Nina x

Old photos from the archive of my laptop, taken by Frankie

Important.

I have been thinking for too long on what I should say now, but a voice in my head keeps whispering to me: “who cares? Who on this earth amongst my few readers will check this website with burning fingers, waiting on what I, another white woman on the internet, has got to say about this?” I know, nobody will care about this post. But this is not about me, my statistic performance, or anything else that is related to me- this is about them. This is about the people who suffered for decades, who have been oppressed by political systems, so that white people can simply live their lives as they are used to, without a single care in their minds.

I know, as a white person, I will never know how racism feels like. No matter how hard I try to understand, I will never fully understand.

I encourage everyone who reads this, to educate yourself. To make the search for you a bit easier, I have put together a small list of resources.

BLACK OWNED BUSINESSES TO BUY FROM UK:

https://www.thestrategist.co.uk/article/black-owned-uk-businesses.html

BLACK OWNED BOOKSTORES TO BUY FROM:

https://www.timeout.com/london/news/black-owned-bookshops-in-london-you-can-currently-buy-from-060920

BLACK LIVES MATTER:

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/

OTHER:

BOOKS:

Why I am no longer talking to people about race – Reni Eddo Lodge

Me and white supremacy- Layla F Saad

Girl, Woman, Other – Bernadine Evaristo

I know that it is not a lot- but if you try and have a little browse through the internet, you will come across a lot more. I recommend everyone who loves podcasts to listen to “The Daily” by the New York Times which explains thw whole situations and its happenings in a very well way.

We need to do better.

About the glorification of the weird and wonderful space, the web.

As we all probably know the world wide web, the invisible net that connects the whole world together, is full of weird and wonderful things. Some use it as a form of escapism, some gain inspiration out of it and some even make money out of it. Whatever this mysterious network might be, it is like most things in the modern world, very glorified and glamourized with little hidden secrets, locked away from the mainstream. Even though the internet is man-made, it feels like it has its own life, which we humans kindly like to ignore, blended by our ideal version that we are the superior species. We utilise the internet for whatever we like for our own benefit, whether that is making money, showing off, or satisfying your desires and cravings. We feel like we are its captain, its GPS and in general the person who has the control over it. If we like something? We like it or post it- if we change our mind after a week? We delete it with the naïve thought in the back of our heads that deleted means the complete disappearance of something we’ve posted before.

Although this might be against human pride, but our child, the world wide web has a better memory than every human. It simply does not forget. Delete just means that something is out of sight, hiding behind a virtual rock, but it will never fully disappear.

Every picture you posted and deleted is not fully gone, it floats around somewhere behind a badly locked door in our cyberspace. Anyone who has it-skills could possibly have the power to unlock that dusty, almost forgotten door. The insane memory capacity of the internet is something, which is a.) very terrifying and b.) a fact that most of us, including myself, are very likely to forget as your curated web space might feel like a safe haven, a place where only your nearest and dearest can see your posted content, whereas in reality, posting (even when it disappears after 24 hours) means that you set a virtual mark, which will probably have a longer lifetime than yourself.

Back in the school days, I very vividly remember that teachers, who were really terrified of the internet, and by the way equipped with the incompetence of even opening a website, used to tell us that the internet is a dangerous place, where you should be careful and not show your face. Of course, nobody listened to them. At least I didn’t. I mean I have articles about my history with eating disorders, heartbreaks or the simple documentation of very questionable outfits online. I am aware that all this will stay forever somewhere, and I know that a future employer could basically google me and find out more than I would probably like him to know, but that is okay with me at the end of the day I suppose.

However, we all know, that fashion is a very powerful expression tool, which should be seen more like art than a form of male seduction, in my opinion. Before the internet was monetarized for PG content, it was a very free space in terms of dressing. It was a little escape from our daily lives into the modern version of the 1960’s free world. There were no rules, everyone showed how fashion can be artistic, expressive and aesthetic. That is still going on, just with a tiny change in order to remove the 13 from the PG restrictions. Nudity is a no-go. Nude content especially has been banned from the mainstream social media, right there behind the door of pornography, which a lot of Wi-Fi servers, including mine, still block. For some people, this hidden door is the entrance to pleasure and sexual satisfaction, for others, it is the door to making money. Until very recently, I naively thought you would have to be a significant part of that industry in order to make any sort of money out of it (I am by no means an expert, I am educating myself as much as can.). But as in most cases, my lovely friend, the internet, proved me wrong. As long as you have a smartphone and a body, you can literally be anything on the internet. I can’t really describe what I felt or thought when I found out about the ginormous amounts of money that people are making over the internet, simply by selling nudes or pictures where they are clearly wearing a lack of fabric. The places where you can find such images are the little hidden corners of the internet, covered in a veil of innocence, so nobody will be able to guess what is actually hiding behind that door. Stepping into it, you lift away the magic innocent veil and see the reality. You are now part of the club.

Our bills are growing from day to day, a global pandemic is really not helpful, and a lot of people have lost their jobs. The thought of making money by simply posting seductive pictures of your body is an appealing thought for a lot of females. I totally get it. Since I was little, I could probably pinpoint a million events where I was reduced to my sexual features in order to satisfy the male gaze. Whether that was because I wore something “too short”, “too revealing” or “too seductive”, I always felt that whatever I would wear, it can never be right.

And now, at this point, girls are clearly making a lot of money in profiting from those strings that society has been creating since decades.

To cut this short, I find it very difficult to form a proper opinion about this internet phenomenon, as I never properly tested it out myself. It is even harder to word anything about it, as I do not want anyone to judge for their behaviour.

What needs to change is our mindset and the way we treat females and their bodies from the minute we are born.

Flares- Topshop, Blazer- Vintage

And, to everyone, just as a slight footnote, I want to remind you that not everything that glitters is pure gold. The internet might seem like a glorious place that is benefitting you in that particular second, but in reality, it is just a construct with bright as well as dark hidden sides full of unrevealed secrets.

Nina x

DISCLAIMER: This article is an opinion piece, it is my personal opinion. This is by no means slut-shaming, as mentioned.

PHOTOS BY CHLOE DAVIES

PEARLS IN FRONT IMAGE:Pinterest

DAY 10- I’VE LOST COUNT

I woke up this Friday morning, genuinely thinking it was Saturday. Maybe that is just a coping mechanism to justify my habit of being unable to get out of bed before nine am. However, no Amazon delivery today. Shocking, I know. The deliverer will hopefully turn up the day after with my essential delivery of clothing hangers.

Today was the day, I actually did some work and tried to understand the scratch disks of photoshop. Spoiler, I didn’t in the end.

I tried to download origin so I could relive my sims dreams, sadly it did not work. I might give it today another shot. Cause you should do what you really love. From my window, I can see my neighbour’s dog who is using its owner’s balcony as his new designated toilet, probably without letting his owner know of this. My other neighbours are playing animal crossing and living their best life whilst doing that.

I still haven’t quit my gym membership, some things in life just take time to end. Some things are harder than others. Maybe it is worth fighting for it.

I did a fancy-dress workout in my sports clothes, that is enough fancy dress for these days. I have rediscovered the mirror selfie with an actual camera, so hopefully I count as a full hipster in the universe of subcultures now. It really reminded me of my sixteen-year-old self, who identified herself as a Tumblr girl, spending all her precious free time on her very old laptop creating an aesthetic Tumblr. Today, I have forgotten the password of my account, but I still get daily newsletters by Tumblr, telling me which blogs are the shit now. I always have to stay informed, even though my last Tumblr presentence was about three years ago.

Finally stocked up my body’s hydration reservoir. Ate a Colin. Sad that I ate all of them. Will bravely go to the supermarket soon and stock up on them. You need to stockpile on the right ends.

Watched 17 again at night and kept thinking how I voluntarily isolated myself every day when I was 17. Sometimes, you are just too short to be the captain of the basketball team. Not everyone can be Zac Efron. The world also needs isolated Tumblr Girls, clearly born into the wrong decade. The really good news is that I actually did some work today and looked representable for a zoom call. This is what the home office life feels like. It is great.

Did my unit of daily exercise, full of anxiety in my body of coming too close to a human soul. The only outdoor walking path in my area seems to be the only appropriate place for everyone to do exercise. I went to the coop, initially to stock up on essential things like Colin cakes, but ended up buying caramel digestives and hummus. My local coop has pasta again, for the first time in weeks. I am not sure if I should be happy about that, or if this the actual sign from the universe that the end of the world is near. Also, no Colins left, which is a definite sign of the end.

I wanted to order a ten pack of Corona masks on Amazon, but it said that it can’t deliver to my address.

If I get the Corona, at least I know who to blame for it.

SHIRT: Urban Outfitters, Blouse: Vintage, Jeans: Urban Outfitters (old)

Still desperately waiting for all my very essential amazon deliveries.

Day 8- a series of Amazon deliveries and my new addiction.

As every more or less very cool blogger on the internet is doing an isolation online diary now, I decided to jump on this bandwagon. Today is day number eight. The weather is shit, seems like the yearly dose of sunshine is now officially used up and we are back to the normal climate. Our doorbell is broken. Again. I had to put a note with my mobile number on the door, so my one million amazon orders will find their way inside to the mailbox. During this period of isolation and lockdown, I have accomplished several life goals so far:

I can do the perfect poached egg.

I have a freezer full of food that is not only chocolate cake.

I have started doing home workouts, even though I look beyond ridiculous whilst doing it. Now I finally have a reason to officially end my gym membership. It’s been a wonderful three visits in the past, but both of us have to move on now. The gym will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe, one day I will be ready for you again.

I stopped burning my hair whilst cooking. (just after I said it, I burned another stain again. I should maybe sign up for an online seminar that will eventually teach me how to not burn my hair).

I have finally made use of my amazon prime membership. Which results in getting very angry texts from the amazon deliverer, standing in front of my door whilst I am outdoors (I know, dangerous) getting my daily unit of fresh air and exercise. Five miscalls and texts. Came back and saw him in front of my door. Got the parcel which is two new vinyls. Now I need for my vinyl player to arrive, we all know I love setting up new tech gear. Not.

Also, I have shifted my addiction from coffee to tea. Which is not necessarily the healthier option. I have now 6 cups of tea a day instead of like two cups of coffee.

I have just written another post on what to do during this lockdown period. The world wide web will be blessed with another guide by me. I bet it is already sick of it.

Started a new Netflix series, to make myself believe that I use my subscription for something else than friends or documentaries. Also, I have just greeted my amazon deliverer barefoot and he wore a mask. Some of us, like me are just not that well equipped. He looked very frightened when he saw me. We kept the two meters distance. My anti bugs spray has finally arrived. Realised that I ordered the wrong spray, the one for tropical animals and bugs. So, if we would have an invasion of tropical bugs during this time, at least I have stockpiled on the right end. Also, my outfit is a perfect example of getting dressed for no reason. I got changed immediately after the pictures. Can’t ruin my cheap fake silk skirt whilst painting.

SKIRT AND TOP BOTH V OLD FROM ZARA.

I really wanted to go on my phone less, but social guidelines of the current situation advised me to download houseparty again, after I deleted it out of a panic mood. Now, I get notifications every five minutes about who entered the house.

Brilliant.

I am out of the house for now.

PHOTOS BY CHLOE DAVIES. REST BY ME.