Oh, I hope you are well. Wherever you are. Whatever you do. Whoever you are with. I do think about you sometimes, wondering what you are doing, how the painted picture of your life looks now. We may have broken each other’s hearts with juvenile mistakes, but I will never stop wishing you all the best. And even if you wish that the devil will haunt me one day for what I did to you that’s alright.
I wish you the truest happiness that you can find on this planet. Wherever it is, chase it and catch it. Once you have it, it was worth every step on the long way. Taste the magic in the first sip of your morning tea. Feel the music as soon as you put on your vinyl player. Get lost. Find yourself. Leave a mark. Whatever you do, wherever you are, whoever you are with, be happy.
Sometimes, I do wonder what for kind of person you are now. The way you would dress. What music you would listen to. What your order in your local coffee shop would be. If you still laugh the same way you did, or if you still cringe to the same things as back in the day.
The way you live your life now. We only see each other’s life’s through tiny screens now, without knowing who we are today. I am a different person today, and I hope you are too.
Life took its various rollercoaster rides upon us, putting everything into a different direction.
And sometimes, I also wonder if you ever think whatever kind of person I am now. If you ever think of me in those midsummer drunken nights, when everyone has left the party and you stand outside taking the last smoke of your cigarette, whilst staring at a tiny screen in your hand.
That one day, last summer, I ran away. To a place where the memories couldn’t cut my sensitive heart. America, the concrete bubble of imaginations and hope. And, sometimes you need to get very lost in order to find yourself. And that one day marks the day I was over you. After streaming a million sad songs, drinking too much coffee and reading many novels, it was over. People do change you. They make you grow, and somehow every one of them leaves a mark on you. Whether that is visible or not.
Whatever happened, it is hard to put it into words, but still, I am grateful for it. Without it, I would certainly not be the person I would be today.
When I met you, the person who I am today, was somewhere deep inside me, waiting to be found. It was not until that summer when I was drunk at a festival in the middle of nowhere somewhere near Budapest when I realized that I am the only person on this planet who can create my identity. I grew up with the belief that I need someone to complete me, whether that was a partner, a friend or some other kind of person.
We are all masterpieces by ourselves, and it should be no big news that we do not need anyone else to complete us. From whenever my memory starts in my early childhood, I remember movies, where the female character is saved and completed by someone else. I cannot name all the occasions in my life where I was ashamed of my gender, or turned down opportunities, as it was considered unusual for a girl.
All my early life I have believed in the fact, that my life will be complete the one day I will walk down the aisle, giving my life in the hands of someone else. The idea of being young and in love guided me throughout my teenage years. All my ideologies that my juvenile mind believed in, were based on the fact that my life might be a misery now, but as soon as I fall in love, everything will be alright. Looking back, this is certainly not true. This immature belief of mine, made its way constantly through my life, being the guidance of my existence. It took me twenty-one years to learn and unlearn the foundations where my society beliefs had been embedded on. Nobody tells you that you a work of art, a masterpiece in yourself. And that’s why we should start it now. Let’s merge our broken hearts and let them heal together.
Whoever you might be, dear stranger who might have been a companion at some point, when I met you, I was not a writer. Yet. Deep inside, I was always one. I was just too ashamed to let it out. Good things take time. I really did my best to exist for everyone else, apart from myself. I am a different person now. Decorated with colours, chains and metal. And that is good. And I hope from the bottom of my heart that you, my dear are different now as well.
I did find a way to be without you.
And I hope you do too.
Nina x