When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing you do? Do you breathe the fresh air out of your wide-open window? Are you already preparing you low fat, soymilk matcha latte whilst deciding which yoga workout you are about to do? Are you having your first green smoothie aka your only meal till noon before your 10K run?
Or are you still snuggled up in a mountain of pillows, enjoying the calm before the storm and then you make the crucial decision to open Instagram?
For most people, I bet the last choice would be the most exact description of their first morning activity.
Once you open Instagram, still being half asleep, you spot all those perfect humans in perfectly curated setups, telling you one thing: you need to get your lazy ass up and lose weight.
According to multiple sectors that our modern millennial culture is built on, especially as a female human being, one of your main goals (or your main goal) in life is having a slim body, work out as much as you can and eat clean.
Back in the day, as a little girl in primary school, I first ever heard of the term “losing weight”. Looking back, these were the first hints to me that I am a girl and I basically have to lose weight, because that is what girls are supposed to want.
Obviously, I was way too young to understand it all. By that young age, I just did not fuss about losing or gaining weight. I just wanted to be happy and live my life.
Growing older, the influences grew and so the awareness, that especially in the generation I was born into, girls got obsessed about weight once they hit the crucial age of puberty.
To be completely honest, the first few years of puberty, I felt simply ugly. I felt so ugly that I saw not even potential in me. Looking back, I probably fell into the self-hate trap way too early- don’t get me wrong, in an ideal world, nobody should ever experience that horrible trap, but in the ugly reality a lot of people fall into it.
The reason for that was probably that a lot of people told me that I am not slim enough. And with a lot, I mean a lot. Friends, relatives, teachers, family- the list is very long.
Once I was fifteen, I was at my absolute down. This was the first time I went to see a therapist. It does take time to actually find the “right” therapist for you. In short terms, it took me a bit of time. When I was around 19/20, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, eating disorders and anxiety.
You probably wonder yourself why I share such an intimate thing on the world wide web, where literally my future employer could see it.
I do this, because I want to show others who suffer from the same problems as I did that they are not alone. For years, I thought that I was alone. Nobody should ever have to feel like this. If you ever feel uncomfortable in your own skin for a long time, please seek help. This should not be treated as a normal state, it definitely isn’t.
Florence Welch said once in an interview for British Vogue, that an eating disorder is a disease that constantly tells you it is your friend, that’s why you realize it so late.
You truly believe it is your friend because everything around tells you to lose weight, so an eating disorder, which is probably one of the top 10 most unhealthy ways to lose weight, seems for you like a suitable way to please the expectations that have been put on you since you were born.
At least, that was what I felt. That was the reason why I kept it all to myself for years. The reason why I might have been awkward in social situations. I did not want anyone to know, as I kept putting unrealistic ideals and expectations over my own mental health.
I am currently on a good recovery road, and I cherish how I feel from the bottom of my heart as I came from the mental hell. But still, when these pictures were being taken, I felt massive. That’s when the body dysmorphia kicks in: I tend to have a completely wrong body image. When I see the visual outcomes afterwards, I feel surprised about how I look.
In the end, that’s how recovery works. On some days you feel healthy as hell and on other days you feel like a -10 out of 10.
What we all desperately need to do, is to stop the need to lose a stone. Once that stone is gone, there is no guarantee it will make you feel a lot better. Don’t starve yourself. I have done it multiple times and believe me it is not a desirable feeling.
Our lives are too short to worry about a bloody stone.
However, you might feel today, even if you might be too blinded to see it, you are fucking beautiful.
The stone is not worth it.
xx, Nina